I’m a huge fan of mystery and crime shows on TV. And today I want to share some of my favorites from over the years and ask you to share some of your favorites as well (as mystery lovers are always up for meeting a new sleuth).

Here are ten of the best television mystery and crime shows, based on personal favorites. It would be impossible for me to watch every crime show that has ever been created, so there is of course a subjective nature to this list. These are also English language shows. I highly encourage you to leave a comment below to share your favorite in your own native language. I love international films, and would love to find some good international mystery and crime series as well.

The following mystery and crime TV shows are listed in alphabetical order and include links to videos from the studios releasing them or other licensed sites when possible. Some videos linked to are available legally for free, and others require a subscription (such as Netflix). Where linking to online videos was not possible, I have attempted to find video clips for illustration purposes to give you a better idea of the series.

1. Columbo

This Peter Falk series is a classic detective show. You would think with so many arrests under his belt, criminals would stop underestimating him. But they don’t.

WATCH VIDEOS (Netflix – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

2. Criminal Minds

I consider Criminal Minds to be one of the best-written crime dramas currently on TV. Why? Because it legitimately strikes fear in me when I watch it sometimes — more so than horror movies designed to do just that. It makes the risk feel much more real than other crime shows do.

3. CSI

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation isn’t a show I regularly follow anymore after several cast changes. But you have to give it credit for making a new generation interested in the forensic side of solving crimes.

WATCH VIDEOS (CBS.com – free latest episodes)

4. Dexter

Dexter is a crime show that took me a little while to warm up to. But I couldn’t get over the clever premise of a serial killer who kills other killers. It was unique and turned out to be a great show.

VIDEO PREVIEW

5. Diagnosis Murder

If you like cozy-style mysteries and you watch more modern medical mystery shows (like House), you should give Diagnosis Murder a try. It’s a nice mix of drama and humor, and you really can’t go wrong with Dick Van Dyke.

6. Law and Order

Here’s another classic crime drama, and a recently ended TV series. I’ve always loved the way L&O episodes split their focus between solving the crimes and prosecuting the cases. It’s almost like getting two shows in one.

WATCH FULL EPISODES (Netflix – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

7. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit

This Law and Order spinoff is often referred to as the best series in the Law and Order franchise. Dealing with special victims (such as sex crime and violence against children), this series can be a bit more emotional than most.

WATCH FULL EPISODES (Netflix – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

8. Miss Marple

Any serious mystery lover knows who Agatha Christie is. And her cozies are always fun to watch, and they make for some of the best British mystery shows around. Miss Marple is one popular series based on her books.

Watch Miss Marple: The Pale Horse Preview on PBS. See more from Masterpiece.

9. Monk

I loved the character of Monk more than the show. Tony Shaloub plays quirky and obsessive-compulsive detective Adrian Monk in this series.

WATCH FULL EPISODES (Hulu+ – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

10. Murder, She Wrote

Murder, She Wrote, starring Angela Lansbury, is my all-time favorite mystery TV series. That may be because I also earn a living as a writer like her character does (she’s a mystery novelist), and I happen to be branching into writing mystery fiction now myself. That said, it’s just a casual fun mystery series that I can watch over and over again.

WATCH Full Episodes (Netflix – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

11. NCIS

I watched NCIS on the recommendation of family members even though military crime didn’t particularly interest me. And I fell in love with it. It’s a serious, but still fun, series and has a great team of actors on board that keep it interesting.

12. Poirot

The Poirot series is another British mystery series based on Agatha Christie’s novels. They’re slower than a lot of more popular current shows, but if you’re interested in a great story, these shouldn’t be missed.

VIDEO

13. Psych

After Murder, She Wrote, Psych is my favorite crime-related television show. I consider it the best-written modern crime series on TV right now. This one involves more comedy than most and it’s the only show around guaranteed to leave me laughing every time I watch.

WATCH OLDER EPISODES (Netflix – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

*Note: When new episodes resume, you can often watch them for a limited time for free at Hulu.com.

14. Quincy, M.E.

If you like forensic-based shows like CSI, you should definitely check out Quincy, M.E. This was an early show based upon a character that is a medical examiner and without it we might not have some of the similar modern shows we love today.

15. Twin Peaks

Twin Peaks was a short-lived series, but earned both critical acclaim and a cult fan following. If you can’t get enough of the series, they also filmed a prequel movie (although that didn’t go over quite as well with fans).

WATCH OLDER EPISODES (Netflix – Paid subscription – Must be logged in to access)

I know there are countless other mystery and crime shows out there, and I love learning about new ones (or just “new to me” ones). If you’re a fan of the genre, I bet you do too. So why not leave a comment below and tell us about some other great mysteries and crime shows and why you love them?

Credit: BigStockPhoto.com

Wouldn’t it be great if you could watch your favorite TV shows on your schedule instead of TV networks’ schedules? Wouldn’t it be even better if you could do it legally and not have to worry about things like viruses often associated with illegal downloads and streaming sites (not to mention the prospect of getting caught)? As it turns out there are more places to legally watch TV online on your time than ever before! Today I want to share ten examples, most which are free.

Please note that these are US-specific sites and shows may not be available if you access the sites from outside of the United States. Other countries offer other options (such as the BBC iPlayer), so if you want to share legal sources of online TV from your own country, please feel free to do so in the comments.

Here are ten places where you may be able to watch your favorite shows online, and legally!

1. Hulu

Hulu.com offers legal access to shows across several networks for free. There is also a paid version called Hulu Plus that gives you access to even more episodes of your favorite shows. This is my own first stop for watching TV online. Having shows from several networks here together saves a lot of time over having to visit each network site individually.

2. Netflix

Netflix.com offers a Watch Instantly service now in addition to their DVD rentals through the mail. The service isn’t free, but I’ve found them to have some of the best streaming capabilities and you can find a lot of great older material there. You’ll also find more full seasons of TV shows there, whereas services showing the current season often only show a few episodes at a time — out of luck if you miss them.

3. ABC

If you visit the ABC network’s site you can find free access to full episodes of shows like Private Practice, Modern Family, and Desperate Housewives, in addition to some of their news specials.

4.  NBC

Watching TV online doesn't have to mean sitting in front of a computer screen. - Credit: BigStockPhoto.com

NBC offers a nice selection of full episodes online for free for current shows like 30 Rock and Chuck as well as older shows like The Alfred Hitchcock Hour.

5.  CBS

On the CBS network site you can find full episodes of TV shows including the Late Show, CSI, and CSI: Miami.

6.  FOX

FOX offers full episodes of some of its popular shows for free too — Glee, American Idol, The Simpsons, American Dad, Family Guy, Bones, Fringe, House, and Lie to Me among others.

7.  USA

The USA Network has been one of my favorites for a while now, with regular quality, quirky, and original shows. You can find full episodes to check them out for yourself. Psych, Royal Pains, and Burn Notice are included.

8.  The CW

If you’re interested in popular shows like The Vampire Diaries or America’s Next Top Model, you should check out The CW’s site for full episodes of your favorites.

9.  The WB

The WB’s site could be a good stop for you if you’re interested in older shows like Pushing Daisies or even cartoons from your youth, like Smurfs, The Flinstones, or The Jetsons.

10. Comedy Central

If you enjoy shows like South Park, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart or The Colbert Report, you should check out Comedy Central’s site for the latest full episodes online.

Legal, and in many cases free — how can you go wrong? If you’re tired of being a slave to TV schedules and remembering to record your favorite shows to watch later, try watching them online. Not interested in watching TV on a computer screen? That’s okay. In most cases you can connect your computer to your TV and watch it on the big screen like you would watch TV normally. In my case that means using an HDMI cable to connect my laptop to a TV. Check your computer and TV connection options to figure out what cables you need, and then get watching — when it’s convenient for you!

Photo credit: woodleywonderworks

Earth Day, the annual day of awareness and time for appreciation of the environment, has become a hot button among members of different political parties. Those who believe in climate change use it as a soap box day and those who don’t often do not celebrate or acknowledge the day at all. But no matter what side of the fence you are on, you can use Earth Day as a means to bettering your world or local environment. After all, you don’t have to embrace the idea of climate change in order to want cleaner parks, less smog and fewer landfills.

If you are looking for some way to celebrate Earth Day while making a difference in your local community, here are a few ideas.

Photo credit: Mykl Roventine

1. Volunteer. In general, volunteerism on Earth Day revolves around cleaning up the land around you—but it doesn’t have to. You can volunteer at your local animal shelter, your local church, your local nursing home or any other organization. After all, your environment is not just about land and air, it is also about the people and animals who coexist in it.

2. Start a recycling center at work. If your office doesn’t already recycle then you could make a huge difference simply by putting out a few bins for newspapers, plastic bags and cans. Be sure to line the containers with garbage bags (that you can later recycle) to make transporting the contents from your office to the recycling center easier. You can drop off the recyclables at your local grocery store or recycling center weekly or monthly, depending on how quickly they pile up.

3. Make crafts with trash. Did you know you can make beautiful Christmas wreaths with wire hangers and plastic shopping bag handles? Simply form a circle with the wire hanger and start tying the plastic bag handle strips around the circle. But that’s not the only craft you can create with trash. Do some research and create a craft project or two to help reduce and re-purpose your waste.

Photo credit: iboy_daniel

4. Host a clothing and accessory exchange party: Few people realize just how much buying new clothes and accessories (like jewelry, belts and purses) can affect the environment by encouraging constant production. From the factory waste and smog to the machinery and oil to the shipping of the products and the mining of natural elements, the production of new clothes and accessories can have a significant negative impact on the planet. On Earth Day, you can reduce some of this impact by hosting a clothing and accessory exchange with your friends and neighbors so that you can all enjoy something new without buying it.

5. Pick up trash at the park. If you have ever seen empty soda or beer cans, plastic bottles and bags, or trash of any other kind around your neighborhood or local park then your community needs you to make them clean once again. On Earth Day you can take a long stick with a nail at the end of it along with a bag and start picking up all the trash you see around your park or neighborhood. Not only is this good for the earth, it also makes your neighborhood look great.

By:  Terra L. Fletcher, owner Fletcher Freelance

Almost everyone travels, some people travel quite frequently.  What can make your vacations or business trips more enjoyable?  Traveling smart. The following six travel gadgets and accessories are practical solutions for common traveling dilemmas.  They also make great gifts!

     1.  Bose In-Ear Travel Headphones 

A set of high-quality earphones is essential for any traveler.  Bose products fit most electronics and deliver clear, authentic sound.  For maximum comfort, the in-ear headphones come in three sizes of contoured silicone tips that sit in the ear (without entering the ear canal).  These earbuds are$99.99 on the Bose website.  You’ll also find replacement parts and a carrying case.

     2.  Downy Wrinkle Releaser

For about four dollars you can undo most of the wrinkles your cramped suitcase has inflicted upon your vacation wardrobe.  Simply spray, stretch the fabric, and smooth out the wrinkles.  No iron required!  Downy Wrinkle Releaser works on nearly all garments and is available in most supermarkets.

     3.  Samsonite Travel Accessories RF ID Protection Passport Cover 

Travel documents should be safe, organized, and accessible.  Passports now have radio frequency identification chips (RFID) which make it easy for border control to quickly scan your documents.  Due to the prevalence of identity theft, it is essential to ensure that thieves cannot read that RFID code.  Samsonite’s passport protector is constructed of rugged nylon and lined with RFID blocking aluminum. Its bi-fold cover and mesh windows secure your travel documents whether your cover is open or closed.

     4.  Schick Intuition Razor

If you’re like me, your sensitive skin doesn’t allow you to shave without shave gel.  Likely your overstuffed luggage would also be grateful not to have a large canister of shave gel to add to its busting seams.  The Schick Intuition Razor lathers, shaves, and moisturizes so you don’t need shave gel.  The razor now comes with four blades for a very close shave.  Schick even makes a Sensitive Care variety, for gals like me.  Pick yours up for about $7.99 at drugstores nationwide. 

     5.   Eagle Creek Travel Towel 

Travel towels are ideal for backpackers, campers, hikers, and the sports enthusiast.  Several quick drying and bacteria resistant varieties are available.  This one from Eagle Creek is a fraction of the size of your bath towel at just 19.5×39”, but its microfiber material is ultra absorbent.  Microfiber is softer than chamois towels, and this towel is sold at a competitive price, $19.95 at Paragon Sports.

     6.  Pelican Micro Case Series

For only $10-20, these stylish little cases can protect almost anything.  These tough polycarbonate cases are crushproof, dust proof, water resistant, and can resist extreme temperatures.  Perfect for storing small electronic devices, the cases come in multiple colors or with clear lids to view the contents.

The best travel experiences are the ones where you are safe, comfortable, entertained, and presentable.  These top picks for travel gadgets and accessories are exactly what you need to ensure your trip is just that.  What are your favorite travel companions?

Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca.

There is nothing I love more than relaxing on a Sunday with a classic movie playing. William Powell and Myrna Loy in one of the Thin Man movies, a noir classic with Humphrey Bogart, a crazy, madcap adventure with Katharine Hepburn, a—wait a minute…why do you look so confused? Are you telling me that you don’t watch classic films? What–does black and white scare you? Does the lack of outrageous explosions and the ever-present, smoldering sensuality bore you? Well, let me convince you to change your ways.

The Benefits of Watching Classic Films

Get a history lesson… recorded live. When you watch classic films, it’s like getting a history lesson while also enjoying an interesting movie. Not sure what the Cold War was? Curious about World War I or II? There are movies that were written and created while these wars and crises were being waged! You can watch the changes in women’s issues, the introduction of Civil Rights, and the start of paparazzi and shock journalism unfold as it did in real life. Without even knowing it, the writers and directors of classic films created time capsules on celluloid that can help give you a three-dimensional understanding of world history.

Silent film great, Charlie Chaplin.

Find out about classic drinks by watching classic movies. If sex on the beach and apple-tinis are about the only drinks you know how to order, then you need to watch some post-prohibition classic films. You can learn about rocks, and no rocks, shaken and stirred, water and no water—club and no club. You can also discover how to look totally cool by ordering interesting, adult drinks like gin and tonic, scotch and water, and rye. Want some rye? ‘Course you do!

Learn quotes that make you sound smarter. “Don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars.” That line, from the Bette Davis movie, Now Voyager, is my favorite quote. I whip it out all the time at parties, clubs, bars, business meetings…whenever I need a little something to make me seem more mysterious, deep and insightful. This quote never fails me—and it’s just one quote. There are many other insightful lines that could work in any situation. You just have to watch some classic films to pick up on them.

Learn a new accent. As much as I love classic films, I still don’t get the accent many of the actors tried to pull off in the days before dialect coaching. It wasn’t quite British…but it also wasn’t quite American…and it was certainly nothing in between. I like to call this the “General Vicinity Accent” because it fits into the general vicinity of many different dialects. Learn it and then use it when you want to sound worldly.

Remember how to be human. In all seriousness, the best thing about classic films is that they remind you how to be human. Sure, they aren’t as gritty or in-your-face as new movies. Instead of coming out and showing steamy sex,

Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in Adam's Rib.

difficult relationships, or the realities of drug abuse and mental illness, they imply them. But they are even more human than new movies in their lack of forthrightness. After all, you don’t air all your dirty laundry, do you? Just like your secrets linger under the surface, so do the secrets in old movies. Reclaim classic principles like tact, privacy and pride by adding a couple of hours of Turner Classic Movies to your day.

Lately, I’ve been on a self-improvement kick. One of the things I’ve always wanted to improve is my manners. I never know what fork to use when faced with multiple options, never understand how to wipe my mouth daintily at dinner, and I’ve always been confused about the right way to dress and act in social situations. I sometimes even have trouble figuring out the perfect way to introduce myself to someone new.

This weekend, while watching MTV’s hit show Jersey Shore, I got a little education in etiquette, Jersey style. Luckily for you I’ve created this handy guide so you know just how to eat, pack and dress and how NOT to meet new people.

A picture of our etiquette instructors.

Food and Drink

Knife, fork and napkin dilemma: The first lesson is from “I wear my sunglasses at night” cast member Vinny. In the very first episode of Jersey Shore, Vinny shows us that forks and knives become optional when mama is around. You see, Vinny’s mother takes the time to reach across the table and cut Vinny’s food for him. At the end of the meal, she takes her hand and wipes Vinny’s face clean. So the next time you attend an upscale dinner or function don’t be intimidated by all the knives and forks in front of you, just bring your mom!

The finger food pickle: Eating finger food at a fancy function can be tense. After all, you want to enjoy the yummy treats… but how do you eat them delicately, with class, while avoiding looking like the little piglet you know you are? For this we take our lesson from Snookie. In episode three, Snookie took a pickle from the house refrigerator and proceeded to suck it. Once she had sucked all the juice out of it she then proceeded to bite, chew and swallow the dried pickle husk. So the next time you are at a fancy party just suck the finger foods first and THEN eat them.

Dress

How to be sexy without being sleazy: To learn how to dress appropriately for a night out, we turn to Jersey Shore cast member JWOWW. You see, many of us women have trouble finding that fine line between sexy and sleazy but JWOWW has really figured out how to walk that line in stilettos without falling. Following her shining example in every episode of Jersey Shore we find that exposing some boob and cleavage is good—but you simply must stop exactly one centimeter short of exposing the areola because, naturally, that would just be taking things way too far.

Packing tip: One of the female Jersey Shore cast members, Angelina, gave me a great idea for luggage for my next vacation. I’m always embarrassed that I can’t afford Louis Vuitton luggage and that really stops me from going on a lot of trips. I mean, what would people in the airport say if they saw my plain black Sears luggage? Oh, how they’d scorn me. Because of this, I paid special attention to the luggage brought in by the cast members of Jersey Shore. I mean, they knew they were going to be on television, after all. Surely that meant they would bring luggage that I can emulate without embarrassment. Imagine my surprise when Angelina walked in with all her worldly possessions in black garbage bags. Hooray! Packing for my next vacation just got easier!

Meeting New People

Keep your hands to yourself: If you want to meet new people, you need to have courage. If you want to be noticed, you have to stand out from the crowd. If you want to really stand out from the crowd, you should sucker punch a girl in the face like Jersey Shore non-cast member Brad Ferro did. While stealing drinks from the Jersey Shore cast, Ferro was heckled by Snookie. In response, he punched her right in the face. He has since lost his job and become the universal symbol for douchedom.

And there you have it, all the etiquette basics covered. While I wouldn’t expect this information to show up in Emily Post’s next book, further lessons await you on MTV.

Image credit dogmatic

It is much harder than you might think to come up with a short list of the three worst science fiction movie remakes ever. Why? Well, certainly not because there is any dearth of suitable contenders. The number of crappy remakes out there is astounding. The problem is in the rating system. Sure the 1986 version of The Fly sucked, but did it suck in such a way that you want to trash it? For me, no, because I have no particular attachment to the original version—and as it turns out, that’s my hook.

See, I don’t care if someone puts out a crappy remake of a movie that I don’t care about but I do care if I loved the original version. So keep that in mind as you read my list of the three worst science fiction movie remakes ever.

1. Body Snatchers: Body Snatchers is the 1993 remake of the 1956 classic, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Body Snatchers takes place in a completely different location and has an entirely new protagonist and cast of characters. It’s less a remake than it is a stolen idea executed poorly and without any heart. Sometimes, sci-fi movies are remade simply because new technology makes them uber-impressive. This is not the case with Body Snatchers. In the movie, the alien pods look smaller but still very similar to those in the original movie and the “feelers” that come out of them look like cooked spaghetti. The movie has bad acting, terrible music and is boring but what makes it one of the worst sci-fi remakes is that it lacks heart. In  Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the pod people try to explain how great it is to be a pod person without all the “bad” emotions humans have. The female protagonist, Betty, explains that she doesn’t want, “…to live in a world without love or grief or beauty.” She says it so beautifully and meaningfully that, for just a moment, you understand the greatness of all your bad emotions. In Body Snatchers no one addresses this point of view at all. They just cry and then flash you some full frontal nudity. Boring.

2. I Am Legend: This 2007 remake of Omega Man (which is a 1971 remake of 1964’s The Last Man on Earth) is so lacking in any real emotional draw that it resorts to ridiculous manipulative tactics to make us care about the male protagonist. In Omega Man, the vampire/zombie-like characters are people who were infected from the ammunition used in biological warfare. As a result they can only come out at night and they hate uninfected people–who are in the vast minority. The infected people are similar to religious zealots and they are lead by a character who preaches hatred. They spout their anti-uninfected-people drivel and want to burn everyone who is not infected. Eventually, Charlton Heston (who is the Omega Man) finds other uninfected people, falls in love and starts building relationships that end in tragedy.

In I Am Legend, the infected people are nothing more than monsters with no intelligence and no hierarchical complexity; they kill a dog, and the main character, played by Will Smith, is never allowed to re-form complex human relationships. All the longing and loneliness of Omega Man are missing and instead we’re given dead animal sadness, craziness and monsters. Yawn.

3. Planet of the Apes: Let me start by saying that if I hadn’t seen the original 1968 version I may have liked the 2001 Planet of the Apes remake. But in contrast with the Charlton Heston classic it is violent, jarring, and doesn’t challenge the audience. In the original Planet of the Apes, the society of apes was more similar to a reasonable human society. None of the humans knew how to speak (except Heston), and the ape-lead society is easy for the viewer to identify with—which makes their routine rounding up of humans a struggle that the audience wants to come to terms with because it seems so similar to what our own society does in selling exotic animals as pets.

The ape society featured in the remake is so extreme that the round-up and sale of humans (including those who can talk) is less complex and doesn’t challenge the viewer’s thinking because it’s just so blatantly wrong. The movie continues like this–a crass, under-developed cartoon of what a planet of apes might be like rather than an uncannily similar society with complex characters that make us doubt ourselves just a little.

Some of the cast of the original Star Trek.

As far as I’m concerned, no science fiction series set in space holds a candle to the original Star Trek series; it’s fun and campy without being distractingly so, the plots and acting hold up well over time, and it is chock-full of lessons that encourage personal growth. Over the years I’ve grown and learned a lot while watching the show. The growth is probably due to my love of potato chips but the learning is all thanks to Star Trek. You see, this seemingly simple science fiction show actually can teach you a lot about life. Here is a small sampling of some of the life lessons Star Trek bestows on its viewers.

The buyer should always beware: In the season 2 episode, The Trouble with Tribbles, lieutenant Uhura buys a mysterious little pet while on shore leave. The animal is called a tribble and she has never heard of them before. She doesn’t ask any questions about its care and doesn’t seem curious about any problems or pitfalls of the species. She just falls in love with the cuddly, trilling thing and buys it. The next day, Uhura’s tribble has babies, which she gladly gives away to other crew members. Before you know it, the USS Enterprise is overrun with tribbles. They crowd the bridge, have gotten into the ship’s mechanical system (much to Scotty’s chagrin) and they are eating all of the food. It turns out that 50% of each tribble’s system is devoted to reproduction and they have babies about every 12 hours. Like any infestation they must be collected and removed from the ship immediately, which means many lost man hours.

All of this could have been avoided if Uhura had asked some questions of the breeder. Once she found out how quickly tribbles reproduced, she would not have purchased one. While you and I probably won’t make any purchases that procreate that quickly and easily, we should always be wary of deals that seem too good to be true and we should find out all the upsides and downsides of our potential purchases before we buy.

Logic + emotion = balance: Spock and Captain Kirk are each like a different emotional extreme. Spock is almost completely unemotional

Look, they need each other.

(except during mating season) and Kirk is very emotionally empathetic. Spock has no pride or hubris while Kirk has a little too much. Together they work as a team to soften each other’s attributes and create decisions that are founded on both logic and emotional responses to situations. We regular folk could benefit from learning how to mix objective logic and reason with our emotional side to make decisions that aren’t lacking in either brains or heart.

A doctor is a doctor, is a doctor: I could not tell you how many times the USS Enterprise’s doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy explains to Kirk that he is a doctor and not some other type of professional able to hypothesize or fix things outside of his specialty. This lesson can be taken two ways:

a) Understand what you know and admit what you don’t. How much trouble could they have gotten in if Bones had gone outside his specialty?

b) Find the right person for every job. Don’t ask your dog walker to opine on an injury your dog has—go to the vet. When laziness and accessibility come together you end up with the wrong person for the job.

Poster by Echosphere.

You are expendable… unless you are a main character: When an episode of Star Trek shows an unknown character beaming down to a planet, you can rest assured that there will be a death sometime during the episode. You know who will die? That one dude who beamed down that you, the viewer, had never seen before; the extra. And when the survivors get back to the ship no one else seems to care that this one dude died. If you aren’t an important, outgoing individual at your workplace then no one is going to miss you if you get laid off or fired–which makes you the first choice to beam down to planet jobless. Avoid this by staying involved in committees and projects at work, producing ideas and efficiency measures, and being noticeably good at what you do.

Photo by lusi

Every month brings a new potential holiday, special day or commemorative event to our homes and, therefore, a new opportunity to buy the wrong gift for the man or woman you love. From Valentine’s Day to anniversaries, Christmas to birthdays, gift-giving days lay on your calendar like land mines itching to explode.

While the right gift on any of these days can make you a hero in the eyes of your significant other, the wrong gift can make you a heartless, uncaring failure. In order to avoid being seen in an unflattering light, be sure to never buy your spouse or significant other the following five gift ideas.

1. A Pap smear or colon exam appointment: In December 2009, CBS launched a public service announcement campaign that said scheduling a Pap smear appointment for your wife was a “special” Christmas present. While it is nice to be concerned with the health and wellness of your spouse maybe you should save something like that for a regular day. Prostate exams, colorectal exams and Pap smears do not make good Christmas presents and they really kill the mood on Valentine’s Day. And given on a birthday, they can seem like an insulting reminder of advancing age, so don’t even go there.

2. Exercise machines or clothes: If your spouse is a real fitness buff then you may get away with giving them workout stuff as a gift but the average exercise-avoiding Joe may not respond so nicely. This gift could be misinterpreted as a hint that you think your lovely or handsome spouse needs to lose a few pounds. Most people don’t want to hear that any day, least of all on a romantic anniversary or holiday.

3. Snore-stopping nasal strips: If your spouse is snoring then nasal strips could help reduce the sleep-related breathing problems they have. But this is not an appropriate gift for a holiday—romantic or not. How about you buy yourself some earplugs instead? And, if you are actually worried about the health effects that snoring may have on your spouse, talk to them about it outside of any holiday, anniversary or birthday celebration.

Photo by alexallied

4. A cookbook or grocery store gift certificate: There isn’t anything that says, “Cook my dinner, slave” as well as a cookbook or some grocery store gift certificates do. If your spouse has a real passionate interest in cooking then this might actually be a fun idea but otherwise, steer clear of the domestic duties as gifts.

5. A pet: Nothing says, “I love to obligate you” as much as a forced 10-20 year commitment to pick up poop and pee. Buying a pet is a serious endeavor because the purchaser is promising to provide better than adequate care for a living thing for as long as it lives.  That means they will pick up its puke, feed it, put medicine in its eyes, ears or throat, play with it, exercise it—the list goes on and on. What the hell kind of gift is that?

The trick to giving the perfect gift on any holiday or anniversary is to give something that your spouse will like—not something that you WANT them to like. Think about their hobbies, passions and interests and, if all else fails, just take a few hours and spend time with them. Time is the gift that keeps on giving.

Photo by lm913

As much as we resent them in grade school, high school and college, quizzes seem unavoidable and irresistible when found in an online format these days. With titles worthy of The National Enquirer and questions that would make your momma blush, these little nuggets of content are supposed to give you an insight into your character, personality, intelligence and life—but how accurate are any of them, really? After all, the broad personality traits that are reflected within the quiz questions can describe any one of us at different times of our lives, days or even menstrual cycles. The quizzes leave no room for personality quirks or nuances and need a broad brush with which to paint participants.

If you aren’t familiar with these inane time sucks, here is a sampling of some of the worst. The following quiz titles have been found on Facebook and other popular Web haunts of angsty pre-teens and are extremely popular… or so I’ve heard…

1.    Who Were You in a Past Life? What are the chances that you have even lived another life? And if you did, do you really think you are exhibiting traits of that former person now? Also, when you take this quiz, how come you always end up as some dead famous person? I mean, are they the only people who are reincarnated? Why not Salvus the 1930’s newspaper delivery boy who died at age 13 from the chicken pox? How come he didn’t get reincarnated?

2.    What Movie Star are You? Guess what? You aren’t. No, you are not a movie star at all. You may be fanatic about how your toilet paper roll hangs, but you are not Jennifer Aniston. You may love to drink and party, but you are not Lindsey Lohan. In fact, not only are you not a famous doppelganger but you are also not a movie star if you haven’t been in a movie.  And no, YouTube movies do not count.

3.    Are You in Love? I know, sometimes life love and relationships are hard. Sometimes, your heart feels something that your head may not agree with or your head tells you that you should feel something that your heart is simply not interested in. But if you need a quiz to tell you whether or not you are in love with someone then guess what? You are not in love with anyone. No matter how personally conflicted you may be, a pre-formulated quiz simply cannot tell you how your emotions feel.

4.    How Crazy are You? Look, if you really think that you are crazy then you need professional psychological help that a spelling mistake filled online quiz is simply not qualified to give you. If you aren’t actually looking for a diagnosis in the quiz then you just want a label to put on all the stupid decisions you’ve made in life, which is probably not something that you should be proud of or excited by.

So the next time some online quiz offers to tell you whether you are a Gryffindor or a Slytherin, whether you are trendy or trite or what kind of flower you are—spend your time doing something more useful instead… like trimming your eyelashes. At least you’ll actually get something out of that.