When it comes to shopping, being a woman is fantastic. It’s not that we just want to spend money. In fact, we can easily go out and spend less money than our male counterparts. It’s the thrill of the hunt that gets us every time.
Beyond hunting for that perfect deal, companies know that every now and then women just want an excuse to spoil themselves. There are more bath, beauty, and other “girly” products out there than we could ever possibly try — and believe me, we’d love to try an awful lot of them! But every once in a while I stumble across a product designed for women that leaves me scratching my head and thinking “they can’t be serious, can they?”
Here are five of the absolute craziest products for women I’ve ever seen advertised. Have you ever used one of them?
Go ahead ladies, admit it. For years you’ve secretly been jealous of a man’s ability to urinate standing up. Go ahead. Say it. I promise I won’t tell.
You can finally drop the penis envy thanks to GoGirl — a portable funnel-like product that serves as a makeshift shaft to let you pee standing up. Yes. You heard that right. You are now officially eligible to enter all the pissing contests you please. Watch out boys!
But seriously, why would any company assume this product was a good idea? What kind of freakish focus group told them this would be the next big thing in women’s hygiene products? I have to imagine they were kidding, and the joke went over someone’s head.
For a moment (and just a moment!) I even thought “well, maybe” when I saw it mentioned on Go-Girl.com that the GoGirl could be ideal for women who like to go camping. It almost sounds plausible, no? Then common sense came wandering back from the woods and it said “you must be friggin’ nuts if you think I’m going to clean this thing around other human beings on a camping trip!” After all, that would be more humiliating than squatting to piss in the surrounding brush while everyone gathered around cheering you on.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but the GoGirl seems like a mess waiting to happen. And really, who wants to be bothered with washing their phallus-like funnel every time they want to take a quick leak? More power to you if you have the time or ambition to be bothered, but it’s just not for me thanks!
2. Mooncup Menstrual Cup
I can’t remember exactly where I first came across menstrual cups like the Mooncup other than remembering that it was in a magazine. Just the thought makes me cringe. I mean really — I have a disgusting wave of “eww” come over me when I think about the Mooncup.
What is it? Basically it’s a substitute for pads and tampons during your menstrual cycle. Rather than using disposable products during your period, you can now shove a little cup-like product up inside of you to collect the blood and tissue. Then you get to remove it and clean it all up. Yay.
Look. I’m all for giving Mother Nature a hand with environmentally-friendly products — just not when it comes to my more “delicate” areas it seems. The beauty of a tampon is that you use it, it does its job discreetly, and then you make it go “poof” when you’re done with it. Who in their right bloody mind (pun intended) wants to be bothered with washing out a disgusting tissue-filled cup when they’re already feeling like crap during their period anyway? Not me. And come on. The cup really does look kind of scary! I envision poking.
3. Tinge Razor
Let’s take a look at one more incredibly strange product for women, designed to be used “down there.” This innocent-looking razor is anything but (okay, it is really a razor, but it doubles as a vibrator). It’s exactly what I’ve always wanted — a way to masturbate with blades! How about you?
When I first came across the Tinge razor / vibrator, I was flat out confused. Could a woman really have come up with this idea? I almost felt like the creator had betrayed her sex… had betrayed me! But then I found out the Tinge was developed by a guy. Ah, that makes more sense.
Don’t get me wrong. I completely admire the fact that a young guy out there truly cared enough about getting women off to try to create a product to help (or was it just because men are too lazy or incompetent to do it, so they’d rather we deal with it ourselves?). But at the same time I almost have to wonder if this product stemmed from a true desire to be helpful or from deep-seated mommy issues meaning there was a subconscious desire to see blades all up in our personal business (and to be serious for a moment, I’m not actually accusing the guy of having ill intentions — I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt).
But look ladies — safety features and all, this just isn’t something to take chances with. First, get yourself a decent vibrator if you want one — one designed solely for that purpose. Second, if you’re that concerned about being discreet, either buy a little purse-sized model (you can get them to look like lip stick containers for goodness sake — it’s not that hard!). Or here’s a thought. Just leave the toys for the privacy of your own home where they can be safely stashed away when not in use, and you’ll never have to worry about what they’re masquerading as. I can’t imagine you’ll have an easier time explaining to the kiddies who walk in on you what you’re doing with an upside-down razor down there than if you were caught using a more traditional vibrator anyway.
What woman wouldn’t love longer, thicker eyelashes? After all, we’ll spend a small fortune on constantly buying mascara or even fake lashes for special occasions. So why not use a new prescription-only product like LATISSE to grow better lashes of our own, no makeup needed?
I first came across the product through a commercial airing on Hulu.com (sidenote: great site if you’re in the U.S. and want to catch up on a show you missed). On the surface it really didn’t sound like that bad of an idea. Brooke Shields was the spokesperson, and she wouldn’t lead us wrong, right?
Then I noticed something. Shields’ eyes looked oddly strained and watery in the ad. They didn’t have a bright, beautiful look to them — what we go for when we use makeup to perk up our lashes. That made me second-guess the product. Why on earth would we want to use something that’s supposed to make our eyes look prettier only to have them look watery and / or bloodshot? Isn’t that counter-intuitive. But I stopped myself. “Maybe she just has allergies or something,” I thought.
Then we got to the part of the ad where they start reading off potential side effects. (And let’s face it, that’s the best part of any prescription product’s advertising!) LATISSE apparently “may cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible, and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely to be permanent…. The most common side effects after using LATISSE solution are an itching sensation in the eyes and/or eye redness.” Ah, so maybe it wasn’t allergies after all.
Look. LATISSE is designed to treat a condition called eyelash hypotrichosis — not having enough eyelashes. But that’s not how the ad I saw came across. While, yes, it’s clear that it’s a prescription product and that you’ll need to see a medical provider first, it seemed to be more or less marketed as a beauty product for women in general. That concerns me. It concerns me a lot.
In the end, I’ll stick to mascara. The application procedure isn’t that different anyway, and at least if my mascara screws around with my eyes, I can just switch brands — no high costs, doctor’s appointments, or other hassles necessary.
Face Slimming Mask
Leave it to the Japanese to put the emphasis on getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, no matter what we have to do to get there. This face slimming mask is a somewhat eerie example of what we do as women to try to impress men. (Why do we endure one torture device after another for people who openly scratch themselves in public again anyway? I think I missed a memo somewhere!).
I’m not even sure where to start with this face slimming mask. Okay. Yes I am. How about being able to breathe? Is it just me or does this rubbery sac over your head scream “potential suffocation?” Sure, there are air holes, but it still looks pretty restrictive to me.
Now let’s be realistic. I’d hope no woman honestly believes that strapping on a mask will actually melt fat away. While the products for women above might be equally insane in this gal’s opinion, at least I have little doubt that they can actually do what they claim to be able to do. This face slimming mask on the other hand is nothing but a waste of money (and since I still can’t figure out what company released it or where you can actually buy it anyway, you won’t have to worry about that for now).
I guess it does have one redeeming quality though — Halloween is coming up!
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