I watch the Home Shopping Network. A lot. I don’t buy anything, but I do sometimes see cool things that I would like to have. Most of what I see on HSN, however, is crap. Wait, no… not just crap but colossal crap. HSN is home to easy-to-sell, mass-market appeal products–or so they say. Most of the time when I stare at the station I’m left wondering if these products are really what the mass-market wants.
With that being said, some products truly are worse than others. I’ve rounded up the four absolute worst product lines for you. Naturally, this is just my opinion which you will enjoy if you agree with it. If you don’t agree with it… well, get out your Esteban guitar, put on your Quacker Factory shirt and Princess Amanda oversized cuff bracelet, and stare at your Sorelle collectibles while cursing my name.
Esteban’s Guitars: Okay, first of all, only on HSN can a guy with really long, dirty fingernails and a camel toe actually move product. What does that have to do with his guitars? Um… well… okay, nothing but still… it’s weird. So what to say about his guitars… ugh. With crappy names like Crystal Rose, Starlight, and Amber Ice and paint jobs that include flowers, sparkles and general ugliness, Esteban’s guitars defy cool. They are straight from the vortex that stole cool away from a rockin’ instrument. The people who buy his guitars all seem really happy with the quality of the guitar and the accompanying instructional tools, so maybe being viewed as a douchbag with a crappy guitar would be worth it.
Quacker Factory Clothing: Okay, I’m cheating a little here because the Quacker Factory products are actually on QVC, but my hatred for them is so very strong that I am going to eschew rules and titles and things and include them on this list. Aimed at the larger body types, these horrific clothes from the Quacker Factory studio are juvenile–not whimsical. They are tacky and… well… terrible. Many of them have outdoor and other scenes on them, which is so wrong because there is never an appropriate time or place to wear clothing that has a “scene” on it. They are ill-fitting, unflattering and not stylish. There are so many more attractive clothing options for ladies of all sizes that I just can’t understand the appeal of Quacker Factory clothes.
The Princess Amanda Jewelry Collection: Jewelry is one product that has the luxury of being big or small and still looking good… if it has a good design. The Princess Amanda Jewelry Collection on HSN is devoid of any attractive qualities–unless “big” is an attractive quality. It’s not that there is a design flaw in the jewelry; instead, this jewelry line is suffering from having no design at all. Just a bunch of big, gaudy stones stuck onto some sort of base. It’s like they created a “bigger is better” competition, and Princess Amanda won but sacrificed good taste along the way. Some of the jewelry is modeled after animals but the line manages to remove any natural charm that animals can bring by crusting their bodies up with crappy stones.
Sorelle Collectibles: If you are trying to model your home décor around the style of a Russian Czar or Victorian Queen, then Sorelle Collectibles is the line for you. Their boring and tacky line of crap… er… I mean “Antiques of tomorrow” home décor consists of overworked and oversimplified odds and ends that no one needs. I don’t know what it is about HSN designers who think that if you just make something look ostentatious it means it’s divine. Their ceramic figurines are poorly painted, their ceramic boxes shaped like telephones are gaudy and impractical and their crystal figurines are clumsy and style-less at best.
Alright, it’s your turn. What are some of the worst HSN products you’ve seen?